if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
