just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
