im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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