I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
look no pants
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
