GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
