it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
