My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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