Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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