I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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