If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
