He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
