You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
