Already got asked if we're dating
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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