My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
