you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
