I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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