hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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