just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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