I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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