I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
