You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
