Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
