So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize