dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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