Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
