the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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