you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
