dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
