you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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