Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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