It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
