the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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