my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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