The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize