I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
