I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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