Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Me too!
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
