I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
