He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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