Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
