Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Drake has all the answers
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
