I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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