She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
