Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
