you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Randomize
