I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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