hell yes lets make some ravioli
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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