OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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