you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
