separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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