Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
