Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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