Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
And then my night got REAL pukey
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
