Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize