My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
