Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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