But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize