My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
