If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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