Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
